Making Bread

I love the bread making process. Actually, technically speaking, I used to like it. You do things a specific way, add ingredients at the right time, the right temperature and eventually, at exactly the right moment- wa-la… (wait for it)…bread occurs. I used to love making bread. Not that I loved the process all the time, because my kitchen and I were floured, but what happened when things went according to ‘plan A’ - it looked, smelled and tasted like bread. A duck is a duck when it walks,  or some fancy duck saying like that. Right? What’s my point? Today was not bread!  

Kaitlyn started today off at 2am in her own vomit. There’s no pretty way to describe that. I probably just ruined ever again eating bread for going straight to vomit talk.  It was as awful as it sounds. I got her cleaned up as I stumbled around in a tired mom fog.  She looked up at me, having no idea how vomit got on her. “maybe something leaked, I didn’t do that.” But then she vomited again. “well.. that was me.” Tube feedings aren’t my favorite.  The machine beeps when I finally get to the almost sleep moment. These feedings are keeping her ok, and of course I am thankful for that. This is getting calories in her, but she’s not tolerating them very well.  Then Kai was up to tell me he wasn’t sleeping. That he wanted pancakes when the sun came out. He wanted to know if it was tomorrow yet, or still tonight. And he’d like to go to the airport. And…. I lost the rest of what he said.

4am, Lyle Lovett  is playing in the background and I’m giving Kaitlyn pedialyte in 15 MLs, in 15 minute intervals. 15 is now a lame number to me. As is 4. And all the sudden I’m stuck in my head, worried that I’m about to be 52. Is that when I buy a cat? 

7am- up (still) to get Kaitlyn’s medicine regime started, and  Kai ready for the sun he talked about. Someone toasted a waffle. And gave Kai a side of carrots..yep, carrots. I don’t think we ate enough carrots yesterday. No way were pancakes going to figure themselves out.  Lyle Lovett started singing about a boat, and I felt better. Kai was late to school, Kaitlyn never perked up. 

I lost track of time, and of the process of the day. Seizures took over Kaitlyn, as did the vomit. Kai wasn’t feeling well at school, and came home early. Those were organic carrots, what the heck?!

The kids and I met with a nurse who came over and is helping us by starting the process of respite care. They came over in the midst of seizures, police hot wheels on the ground and me deliriously explaining something which I can’t quite remember. We can’t win them all, tomorrow will be better. She’s starting a new medicine tonight that is supposed to help with this. Reglan… you better work! 

Also, I found frozen bread. I thaw the frozen bread loaf, wait for rising, and put it in the oven. All the steps that used to make my bread feel important are gone, but in the end.. I had bread today. Even after all that vomit talk.